The True Story of a Student Council President
by Cryptographic DeLurk
Summary: Aliens invade Ohtori Academy. Student Council President Nanami is expected to deal with this problem, but she already has her hands full with Valentine's chocolates, among other things. Nanami/Tsuwabuki. Implied Kozue/Miki, and others.


_**The True Story of a Student Council President**_

by _Cryptographic DeLurk_

..

AN: A story I wrote for Yuletide 2015 on ao3. Warning! This fic contains excessive weirdness. Although you may notice some parallels, this is _not_ metaphor or allegory. There is also some homophobia. Please understand that it's an attempt at realism, and not an endorsement.

Thank you! Read and Relax!

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* * *

Kiryuu Nanami was sitting in the student council room, which just happened to be an elevator.

Keiko pressed the button up, and the elevator whirled to life, speeding up to the heights of Ohtori Academy.

When they reached the top Aiko would press the button to go down.

Yuuko was actually doing her job – Nanami's job. She was reviewing the budget for the student council. It was near the end of the school year, and everybody would be disappointed if there wasn't enough money left over for graduation and some kind of schoolwide party.

Nanami was past caring, though. Her parents made enough money to throw her a party all her own – one where she wouldn't be forced to invite everyone she hated at school.

 _Ding! Ding!_ The elevator chimed. They stopped on the fourth floor.

Nanami looked up. She waited for somebody to get on, but all she could see were students scurrying past on the balcony, before the elevator doors closed. They continued the climb upwards.

"I hate that," Nanami said, looking back at the object in her hands. "When they press the button, and then decided to take the stairs."

"Oh, it's absolutely dreadful," Keiko said hastily. And Aiko and Yuuko hurried to agree.

Nanami hummed. She was looking at the box of chocolates in her hands. Tsuwabuki had just given them to her for Valentine's Day, and she wasn't sure with which spirit to accept them.

Tsuwabuki was in sixth grade now, and it would be cruel to pretend that he didn't mean it as a romantic gesture. Not that Nanami was bad at being cruel…

Still, it felt rude to eat them, without deciding how to respond to Tsuwabuki's feelings.

The elevator stopped at the eighth floor, and somebody actually got on this time.

Nanami hastily stowed her chocolates in her desk.

"Student Council President!" the student said.

 _Male. Short. Ugly_.

Those were the three words that described him, Nanami decided.

"Student Council President! Something horrible has happened! We need your guidance!"

Nanami crossed her legs, entwined her fingers, and leaned over her desk.

She wondered if she looked as bored as she felt.

"Oh?" she asked.

"Yes!" the student insisted. "Aliens have invaded Ohtori!"

The elevator dinged. They were finally on the top floor.

"So?" Nanami asked. "What do you want me to do about it?"

The student sputtered. "I don't know," he said. " _You're_ the president! You tell me!"

The elevator doors slid open, and Nanami stood up.

She walked forward, pushing the student back.

Keiko and Aiko sat in chairs, to either side of the elevator doors.

The top floor was a spire, and the elevator doors opened into thin air.

Nanami grabbed the student by his collar and threw him out of the elevator. He screamed, as he ricocheted off the side of the building and tumbled down to the ground.

"Oh-ho-ho!" Nanami laughed, raising her hand up in front of her face.

Except this Nanami didn't really do that. It must have been some other Nanami, from a different time or place.

"Aiko," Nanami commanded. "Take him down to the tenth floor, please, and direct him out."

She turned and walked back to her desk.

The student sputtered protests, but his legs were firmly planted on the elevator floor.

Nanami opened her desk drawer and pulled out her chocolates. She refused to listen to another word about aliens.

.

.

Nanami put Yuuko in charge of everything, and left for home early.

Either Yuuko would take care of things, or she wouldn't. But Nanami didn't want to risk getting dragged into anything weird – not when she had her manicurist coming to the house this afternoon.

She dropped by her locker, though, on the way out. She needed her history textbook, among other things.

The inside of her locker was filled with love notes. Or hate mail. Nanami enjoyed both equally. She grabbed them all and shoved them into her bag, next to Tsuwabuki's chocolates. She would read them at home, with a glass of sparkling cider she'd pretend was champagne, and laugh.

The lockers were a dangerous place to linger, though.

"Extra! Extra! Read all about it!" Nanami heard C-ko shout.

"Did you hear? Did you hear? A space ship landed in the school's main quad!" A-ko reported.

"It did? A spaceship from where?" C-ko asked.

"What?!" B-ko startled. "From space, of course!"

"Of course I know that!" C-ko retorted. "But, like, from the centre of the Milky Way, or from the Andromeda Galaxy, or the Sombrero Galaxy, or from UGC6934?"

"Never mind that," A-ko dismissed. "The important thing is that space ship came out of nowhere. It was all _beep-beep-beep_ and _pew-pew-pew_ and it landed in the middle of the quad, in the middle of the day! Didn't you see it?"

"No," Nanami said.

"Well, even if you didn't see it, it happened!" A-ko insisted.

"But then, did you hear what happened after?" B-ko asked.

A-ko and C-ko shook their heads.

"It's horrible!" B-ko said. "The aliens disembarked – and they were completely naked!"

A-ko and C-ko gasped.

"That's right! They were just standing there, with everything just hanging out for everyone to see, in the middle of the quad."

"Oh, how scandalous!" C-ko squealed. She paused for dramatic effect. "So… what did it look like?"

"Yes, yes, tell us!" A-ko prodded. "The aliens can't have had the same, _ahem_ , biological structures as us humans…"

"As a matter of fact, startlingly enough, they were just like humans!" B-ko pronounced. "The boys all had multiple tentacles, with neon coloured tips, squiggling out from between their legs. And the girls all had giant mouths down there with sharp teeth! Eek!"

There was a beat of silence. A-ko and C-ko looked at each other uncertainly, before turning back to B-ko.

"…Have you ever actually seen what humans have between their legs?" A-ko asked.

"No," Nanami said, answering for B-ko. She felt her face heat, as she realised she might as well have been answering for herself.

"You haven't even used a mirror to look at your own?" C-ko asked.

"That's beside the point!" B-ko said, waving her arms angrily. "Don't you understand?! Aliens have invaded!"

"Well, what do they want?" C-ko said.

"Do you know~ Do you know~ I wonder~" A-ko trilled.

Nanami slammed her locker shut.

She felt her eyes bulge and a sweat break out on her forehead.

"If you don't know what you want, how can you expect anybody else to know what they want?" she shouted, to nobody in particular.

.

.

On the way to school the next morning, she ran into Tsuwabuki, as was customary.

"I made you lunch," he said, placing the bentou in her hands.

The bentou box clicked against her perfectly French-manicured nails.

"Inari sushi – your favourite!" Tsuwabuki smiled. "And no eggs anywhere!"

He was eager to please, he always had been. But Nanami didn't trust it anymore, because she knew he wanted something in return.

"I also got you these flowers," he said, holding up a bouquet of yellow roses.

She accepted them in her arms. Yellow was her favourite colour. And his, too.

"Did you read the letter I left in your locker?" he asked, looking at her eagerly.

"Erm, yes," Nanami said. "I enjoyed it very much," she said lightly.

She felt her face grow red and hot.

She must have read it. She read all her letters – although she never tried to decipher the signatures at the bottom. She enjoyed them all, but none more than any other. Nothing about his letter had made it stand out in particular.

At least, not until he told her about it.

It was strange how the content of the letter became important by virtue of the writer.

"That's good," he said. "Do you have an answer for me yet?"

Nanami's blush was entirely appropriate in this social situation, but it was there for all the wrong reasons.

When she looked at Tsuwabuki, his eyes seemed very blue.

"Not yet," she said. "Please give me a little more time."

Tsuwabuki's grin faltered. "Of course," he said. "As long as you need," he lied.

He walked her the rest of the way to school, or at least to the edge of the elementary school. It was getting late and, by that point, he had to scurry off to class by himself.

Nanami watched him leave, and then turned forward on her path up to the middle school.

It was a shame, she thought, that they were both graduating at the same time. Tsuwabuki from elementary school, and her from junior high. They would never really be able to go to school together – not unless they went to the same university.

.

.

Yuuko had completely disappeared off the map. ( _Not unlike some other people she had known._ Nanami was thinking uncharitably of Saionji Kyouichi.)

Yuuko's disappearance would have been less annoying, if it hadn't prompted Keiko's and Aiko's disappearances as well. They all seemed to tend towards rebellion at once, usually while something big and distressing was going on in Nanami's life.

The big and distressing thing in Nanami's life right now just happened to be aliens – no matter how much Nanami wished it were something more presentable and less weird.

Nanami was sitting in the elevator, by herself this time. Nanami would enjoy the process of putting Yuuko and the others back in their place, and reasserting herself as queen bee, once it was all over. But, for the time being, it was very annoying having to get up from her desk to press the elevator buttons.

She looked at the buttons, spread askance across the panel, and frowned. They wouldn't get themselves in order for just her.

She pressed one on a whim, and was distressed when the elevator swung sideways.

The door opened to the third floor of the neighbouring building. Four teachers walked inside her office and started rambling at her.

"Is there no respect for the rules?!" Square Glasses cried.

"They must leave immediately!" Stout Lady gnashed her jaw.

"What about our increasing class sizes?!" Science Nerd said.

"And completely naked?! Are we meant to be teaching social norms?!" Old Librarian wrinkled her nose.

Nanami wrinkled her nose in an identical gesture, except prettily.

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

"The aliens, of course," the teachers chorused.

They wouldn't leave her alone, so Nanami eventually left the elevator. She walked off at the next stop, and struck a button on the elevator control panel that she hoped would send the teachers rocketing up into the sun.

It was just her luck that she was deposited on the ground floor, next to the music room. It matched perfectly with Nanami's inclination to outsource the problem.

The music coming from the room was beautiful, but Nanami could hear the tune pick up and slow down. And, every so often, the musician would falter and miss a note.

She slammed the door open without knocking first.

The music stopped.

Miki turned to her. He was sitting on the piano bench. His fingers were poised above the keys.

Kozue turned to her. She was sitting in Miki's lap. Her fingers were entwined around Miki's neck.

Nanami shivered. She didn't know who Akio was – but she knew that, if a second Akio _did_ exist, his name would have been Kaoru Miki.

They stood there a moment, and then Miki shoved Kozue off his lap onto the floor.

"Ha, ha!" he laughed awkwardly, his face turning bright red. "What can I help you with, Student Council President?"

Kozue scowled and rubbed her behind. "Her name is Nanami," she said, rolling her eyes. "Kiryuu Nanami. She stayed at our house once. You'd think you would remember."

"I was only trying to be deferential to her position," Miki replied, tugging at his collar.

Kozue shot him an unimpressed look, before turning to Nanami with a look of commiseration.

Miki would have been Student Council President, if he had accepted the position. He'd gotten more votes than Nanami had.

"I need your help with something," Nanami said crisply, ignoring the way Miki was crossing his legs and rubbing at the side of his mouth self-consciously.

"With what… exactly?" Miki asked.

"If that's all, _brother dearest_ ," Kozue spat out, "I'll be on my way." She lifted herself off the ground and dusted off her skirt. "I think Daisuke mentioned he needed me for something."

Nanami scowled and watched, predictably, as Miki's limited attention drained away.

"Wait-" he said, turning to Kozue. "You're leaving?" he said pitifully.

"You seem rather busy with other things," Kozue snarled. "No offense meant to Kiryuu-san," she allowed, turning briefly to Nanami.

"But-" Miki leapt up from the piano bench. "Kozue… I-" he said, swiping for his sister's arm possessively.

Kozue evaded him and slapped him across the face. She ran out of the room, none to gracefully, and slammed the sliding door so hard it bounced back open.

Miki held his hand up to his cheek, gently, and looked, for all the world, like he was the one who had left that situation feeling most hurt.

 _There's something wrong with those two. Really wrong,_ Nanami thought, not for the first time.

Miki was still watching the door.

"You'll see her later tonight," Nanami reminded. _You can apologise then. And, maybe, when you hold her, you can lay her down gently on your bed, instead of shoving her down to the floor._

Nanami suddenly blushed and averted her eyes. She felt ashamed. She never used to think things like that.

"Ah, thank you, Kiryuu Nanami-san," Miki replied. He sat back down on the piano bench and inhaled deeply. "What did you need me for anyhow?" he asked guilelessly.

"There's been a bit of a problem recently," Nanami said, trying to meet Miki's professionalism. (She picked at her perfect nails.) "You may have heard, but aliens have invaded the school."

There was a pause. The music room was quiet.

"Er, is that really…? Is that really what's going on?" Miki asked.

"It seems like it," Nanami whined.

"But doesn't that seem rather… absurd?" Miki persisted.

Nanami shrugged. "More absurd than a boxing kangaroo?"

"I just mean-" Miki interjected. "Have you even seen an alien?" He scratched at the palm of his hand. "We've been talking about them for a while…"

"Who's 'we'?" Nanami asked.

Miki ignored her.

"…but have you even seen one?" he finished.

Nanami blinked at him. "There's one in this very room."

Miki looked at her, and then down at his hands. His gaze flickered between them, back and forth, until a sudden horror overtook his features.

"No, not one of us!" Nanami said, stomping her foot. She pointed behind the piano. "Over there."

Miki turned in his seat.

There really was an alien there. With large eyes and a big hairless forehead and grey skin. It waved at Miki, and Miki waved back.

"Huh," Miki said, turning back to Nanami. "Was he there the entire time?"

"How do you know it's a he?" Nanami asked crossly.

"It's a linguistic default," Miki said. "Was he there before you came in?" he asked worriedly. He turned red. "Was he there when it was just Kozue and I and we-"

"He's been here for the whole time I have at least," Nanami interrupted. "Please speculate about the rest on your own time." She coughed. "So now that you know they're here, will you help me get rid of them?"

Miki turned to the alien nervously. The alien said nothing, only waved again.

"Doesn't that seem a little harsh?" Miki said. "They don't seem hostile."

"It doesn't matter," Nanami snapped. "They're messing everything up."

"I'm not sure…" Miki started, but he changed his tune as soon as he saw Nanami's glare.

"I'll see what I can do," he agreed. "I have a friend that's sure to have some good ideas."

Nanami snorted, but wasted no time in leaving the music room.

Nanami didn't know why she bothered. Miki didn't have any friends. And if all Nanami wanted was the lesbitch's opinion, she could have asked Juri herself.

.

.

Nanami's resources hadn't dried up yet. She prided herself on having a phone catalogue of connections that she could call to her aid at a moment's notice.

When she pulled out the phone catalogue, though, she found it distressingly empty. Half the pages had been ripped out and devoured.

Nanami blamed the snails. They might not usually eat paper, but she wouldn't put it past them in this situation. They had always had something against her.

So, failing that, Nanami called a former Student Council President for Ohtori Academy.

She sat down in her armchair and turned the rotary dial on the telephone without even looking at the numbers. She had the motions memorised, even though she rarely called.

 _Beep. Beep. Beep._

She heard the dial tone ringing.

 _Click. Click. Click._

Three people picked up at once.

"Ah… hello," said the first voice. Masculine, familiar, and unintentionally apologetic.

" _Yes_?" the second voice said. Feminine, novel, expectant, and hostile.

The third person said nothing at all, only tapped their nails on the phone next to transmitter.

It was hard to say which of the three annoyed Nanami most.

"Hello, can I speak with Onii-sama?" Nanami said. "-san!" she corrected, too late.

The woman laughed. " _Onii-sama-san,_ " she repeated mockingly.

"Your brother is in one of his moods again," Saionji Kyouichi said simply. He ignored Nanami's mix-up with the honorifics entirely because, underneath the gruffness and violence, Kyouichi was the kind of nice person that wouldn't make fun of somebody he pitied.

Nanami _hated_ that.

"I think he might have a sore throat," Kyouichi said. "He hasn't said a word all day."

"Then why did he pick up the phone?" Nanami said impatiently.

"How do you know it's him, and not someone else?" the woman asked, sounding peeved.

" _Excuse me_ ," Nanami intoned. "I don't recall asking _you_ anything."

"Who knows why your brother does anything," Kyouichi said.

" _Why I never-_ " the woman retorted angrily at Nanami. "Who are you to-" She pulled away from the phone. "Are you just going to let her talk to me like that?!" Nanami could hear her say in the background.

Kyouichi sighed. "Be right back, Nanami-chan," he said. He pulled away from the phone as well, but Nanami could hear him echo in the background of the other two phones.

Nanami could just imagine – three land lines set up right in a row in the same bedroom.

"Just hang up already, Keiko. She obviously didn't call to talk to you," Kyouichi said.

"She didn't call to talk to _you_ either," the woman said.

"Keiko?!" Nanami screamed into the microphone.

"Huh? Do I know you?" the woman said, into the phone this time. Her voice was heavily laden with distaste.

"I don't see how you would," Kyouichi said. "Keiko-san's a third year student at N University."

Yes. Nanami didn't recognise the voice so…

"My best friend has the same name," Nanami said, as evenly as she could.

"She does?" Kyouichi said, cluelessly. "Well, Keiko _is_ a pretty common name."

 _Keiko is a pretty common girl_ , Nanami thought.

"Whatever," Nanami said. She flipped her hair, even though nobody could see it on the other side of the phone line. "This isn't a social call," she offered. "I'm calling in my capacity as the Student Council President of Ohtori Academy."

Silence met her proclamation. It hurt.

Nanami bit her lip and stomped her foot against the rug. A tear sprung into her eye and she wiped it away immediately.

She hoped nobody on the other end of the line could hear her fit.

"Well-" Kyouichi prompted. "We have the former president and vice-president right here. What did you want?"

Nanami sniffed in a way she hoped sounded contemptuous.

"There's been an alien invasion at Ohtori," Nanami said. "And I need a way to deal with it that's doesn't make me look bad, and that won't eat up our student funding."

"... You can't just kick 'em out?" Kyouichi said.

Nanami sighed. Kyouichi never was very intelligent.

An earwig ran across Nanami's telephone table.

Nanami hated that she couldn't help the longing in her gut. If her brother were here, she would have shrieked and clung to him and asked him to take care of it.

Except he wasn't here, and she wasn't about to make a fool of herself on the phone… and even if Touga were here, he was nowhere as sympathetic to Nanami's girlish fears as he once had been.

Nanami crushed the earwig under her thumb. She watched as the pincers on the tail squirmed and stopped moving.

"No, I can't just kick them out!" Nanami explained haughtily, as she flicked the dead bug off her finger and onto the floor. "They've already paid their tuition costs! Everybody might want them gone, but we can't just kick them out after that!"

"So you need to find out what they want, give them some cheap substitute, and hope they leave after that," the woman, Keiko, said.

Nanami rolled her eyes. _Big help that was._ Nanami could have told her as much.

Touga laughed, suddenly.

"Oh," Kyouichi said bitterly. "His highness finally deigns to speak."

Touga ignored him. "Little sister," he said, and Nanami could practically see him shaking his head. "If that's the case, you really are in a situation."

Nanami frowned. "And why is that Onii-san?"

"What they want is in direct conflict with your interests, little sister."

"Onii-san…" Nanami said. She heard a sad tremor rise into her voice, against her will. "Please explain," she forced out, more curtly.

"Why would they travel halfway across the universe, land in the middle of Ohtori, and pay tuition, if their desire wasn't simply to attend school?"

Nanami blinked.

"You know," Touga said, "not everybody attends school just to escape from their family, like we do."

Nanami felt her face turn a deep red.

"Speak for yourself, Onni-san." She frowned.

"You attend school, Touga? That's news to me," Kyouichi said sternly. "I can't think of the last time you actually made it to our Bio seminar. Are you even going to pass?"

"If you actually went to class," Keiko interjected coldly, "then _Saionji_ here wouldn't have to keep coming over and interrupting us, trying to deliver your assignments."

Touga ignored them all.

"One more thing, Nanami," he said.

His voice actually sounded kind, for a moment, and Nanami couldn't help but fall for it.

"Yes, Onii-san?" she asked softly.

"You're calling from the upstairs hallway, right?" he asked. "From the old rotary dial phone?"

Nanami blinked. "That's right. How did you know, Onii-san?"

"Because you can't make calls with a rotary dial anymore," Touga explained. "The telephone companies don't provide services compatible with pulse dialling in this day and age. Are you sure you're not imagining this?"

The call cut out immediately. All that was left was the empty drone of the dial tone.

And Nanami was so angry with herself. Even in her own _dreams_ , she was weaker and more pathetic than she could imagine.

She pulled the rotary phone off the table, pulled until the cords broke off from the wall, and ran to the bathroom to hurl it out the window.

The phone hit a bird in mid-flight, on its way down to the ground. Nanami felt like crying, but she bit her lip and slammed the window shut.

That was what happened when you got in the way of things. It was the bird's own _damn_ fault!

.

.

On the way to school the next morning, Tsuwabuki was talking about his class's sixth grade art project.

"We're all painting butterflies," he explained. "Or not just butterflies. Caterpillars and cocoons, too. So we have all the stages in their metamorphosis covered."

"Is that so?" Nanami said noncommittally. She didn't have to listen, since she had had the same project back in sixth grade. The teacher had assigned her to draw a caterpillar, but Nanami had had her heart set on a beautiful butterfly and cried until she got her way.

"Right," Tsuwabuki said. "So I was working on my picture all night, but-"

Nanami zoned out. She was watching Tsuwabuki's lips. He was closer to a butterfly, and to a caterpillar, than she had ever been at his age.

 _Why did he have to grow up? Why did she?_

"Hey, Tsuwabuki?"

"Yes, Nanami-san?" Tsuwabuki replied immediately.

"Do you want me to give you a return gift for your Valentine's chocolates on White Day?" she asked.

Tsuwabuki blinked.

Nanami bit her lip and cursed herself for her own impatience. Tsuwabuki was allowing her as much time as she needed. Why was she pushing things?

"You probably shouldn't," Tsuwabuki said. "White Day is a holiday for _men_ to give return gifts."

Nanami's temper flared.

"So?!" she said. "Valentine's Day is for women to give gifts, but _you_ were the one who went out of your way to get _me_ something!"

She sounded petulant to her own ears.

Tsuwabuki grimaced. He blushed deeply.

It occurred to Nanami that she had insulted his pride. She felt guilty, and then even more angry. If he was going to be so sensitive and fragile about things, he shouldn't have rocked the boat in the first place.

"You can give me a White Day present," Tsuwabuki said. "The method isn't important to me, so long as you respond to my feelings honestly."

Nanami felt her breath catch.

And then she inhaled deeply and shouted.

"Don't get ahead of yourself, little boy!" she yelled. "All you're getting for White Day is a courtesy gift!"

"Fine!" Tsuwabuki barked. He squeezed his eyes shut and ran ahead along the sidewalk, quicker than she could ever manage.

Nanami watched him go and stomped her foot. She stepped forward quickly, so she was under the highway overpass, where she leaned against the concrete wall.

That wasn't what she wanted. She…

She waited to be interrupted. She waited for cars and motorbikes and airplanes, and the passing drama of other students. But nothing came to stem her uncertainty.

Nanami didn't know what she wanted.

.

.

When Nanami arrived at school, a student ( _female, too skinny, ugly_ ) met her at the front gate.

"The teachers said to give you this note, Kiryuu-sama," she said, handing over a folded piece of white paper.

Nanami didn't bother to thank her, and the student ran off, without another word.

The piece of paper told Nanami to report to the quad near the greenhouses.

Nanami frowned.

The greenhouse was a most unsightly building, and all it roses had withered and died in the past year. Nanami had repeatedly petitioned for it to be taken down, but since the Chairman still hadn't okayed plans to bulldoze the ashen ruins of Nemuro Memorial Hall after so many years, she was resigned to the fact that it might be a lost cause.

It didn't stop her from glaring at the offending building, as she passed into the quad though.

 _Conniving, manipulative, brother-stealing bitch!_ Nanami though.

No. That must have been some other Nanami. This one didn't have a brother. This one didn't even know Anthy.

"Ah, good to see you here, Nanami-san," Miki called out to her.

Nanami looked up.

She never should have doubted Miki and Juri's combined ability to get things done.

Even if it wasn't exactly as Nanami had envisioned.

Miki and Juri had two large folding tables set up in the quad. The tables rocked back and forth on the uneven ground, laden with cardboard boxes.

On the other side of the quad, past the barrier created by the boxes and the tables, were all the aliens that had invaded the school.

"Good timing, Nanami-san!" Miki said. "We were just about to start passing these out. Just as soon as we get the last couple of boxes pried open."

"Nanami," Juri addressed her, much more succinctly, and nodded.

"W-what's going on here?" Nanami asked.

"We couldn't very well continue to let the aliens go around naked, so long as they're planning to attend school with us," Juri said. "So we placed a rush order for school uniforms… Now all that's left is the matter of distribution."

Miki was pulling the tape off the last of the boxes on Juri's table. He looked inside the last one and blushed.

"Er, sempai," he said hesitantly. "I think there's been some mistake."

He reached into the box and held up a spandex Playboy bunny outfit.

Nanami and Juri both cringed, but stepped forward to further assess the situation.

Upon closer inspection, the box also contained a catgirl costume, a leather bodysuit, and five bikinis.

"All the rest of the boxes contained completely normal uniforms." Miki blushed harder.

"Hmm… I wouldn't worry about it then," Juri said crisply. "I found a similar box amongst the men's uniforms, with some butler outfits and speedos… Even without a couple boxes, we should have enough to go ahead as planned."

"But what a strange mistake for the uniform store to make," Nanami said innocently. "Mixing fetishised clothing in with school uniforms…"

"We'll send them back after we're done." Juri cleared her throat. "Positions please."

Miki immediately took his place in front of the boys' table, as Juri took her place in front of the girls'.

"Attention alien beings!" Juri called out, into a loudspeaker. "At Ohtori Academy, we take our dress code very seriously and, so long as you attend school here, you will be expected to wear uniforms." She waved to the boxes on the tables. "You each will be provided with a single uniform, upon presentation of your student identification card. But please take a flyer, which will have information on where more can be purchased." She pointed to a stack of orange papers at the end of the table. "Now-"

Juri cleared her throat again.

"Please make two orderly lines. Girls – to the left. And boys – to the right."

Miki and Juri each unfurled a uniform. Pants and skirt, respectively.

The aliens hesitated for a minute, and then began to rearrange themselves in two lines. There were tentacled aliens, and teethed aliens, and some aliens with more ambiguous genitalia, and they seemed to choose their lines at random.

Nanami fumed.

"Excuse me," Juri said, into the loudspeaker. "You need to organise yourselves by gender… By sex?" she tried. "By sexually dimorphic traits."

The aliens hesitated. A couple of them moved over into the opposite line. But the majority stayed where they were. They were talking amongst themselves. They blinked their giant, dark eyes and pointed their grey fingers at the sample uniforms Miki and Juri were holding up.

Eventually the conversation dies down. The aliens all seem confident they're standing in the correct lines. Even though they aren't.

"Juri-sempai…" Miki said hesitantly. "Perhaps this would be less confusing if you weren't wearing pants yourself."

"…Right," Juri agreed. She waved Nanami forward, before talking again into the loudspeaker. "Right, see – I should actually be wearing a skirt, like Student Council President Kiryuu," she explained.

The aliens didn't budge.

Juri sighed.

"I- I suppose it doesn't really matter." Miki shrugged. "So long as they're wearing their uniforms, it's not like we'll be able to see what's underneath anyhow… As long as everyone is pleased, does it really make a difference?"

Juri shrugged. "I suppose there's no real way of telling how gender is determined amongst an alien population anyhow," she admitted. "Perhaps we should let them sort it out, and trust that they have a proper measure of their persons."

They nodded to each other, and Juri lifted the loudspeaker up to her mouth once more.

"Alright, we're going to get started. When you get to the table, please tell us what size you wear and-"

Nanami snatched the loudspeaker away from her angrily.

"No, it is not ' _alright_ ', and you don't just get to decide it is without the imput of your Student Council President!" Nanami shouted into the loudspeaker. "We've already had enough trouble with just one girl dressing up as a boy!" Nanami couldn't remember who, but she recalled a flashing shock of pink. "We're not inviting more of that craziness here!"

Nanami gritted her teeth, and climbed up to stand on top of Juri's folding table.

"Listen up you aliens!" She pointed to Miki's table. "Boy aliens here! And…" She pointed to her feet. "Girl aliens he-"

"Watch out! Stampede! The bulls have gotten loose!" a voice shouted.

"Oh no! The birds have all escaped from the aviary!" a second voice sounded.

"We have an aviary?" Miki asked.

Nanami froze in place. A cloud of dust appeared on the horizon. And a cawing cloud of birds appeared in the sky. She watched as the aliens scrambled to the side to make room for the stampeding hoard. She watched as the birds dove down from above.

They had eyes for only one person, Nanami knew. She jumped down off the table and bolted.

"Aieeek!" she screamed, as she dashed through the halls.

The bulls and the birds pursued, hot on her heels.

"Why won't you leave me aloooone?!" she whined.

Students were lined up against the classroom windows, watching the spectacle. She hated them. All of them.

"I didn't do anything to you!" Nanami cried. She buckled down, and slid forward on the waxed floor.

The bulls huffed. A couple of the birds had caught up to her and started pecking at her face.

"Ow! Ow!" she cried, waving them away.

She turned a corner early. But, instead of continuing on straight, the animals followed her.

Nanami ran harder, faster. She sprinted. She jumped over buckets and cleaning supplies and stacks of paper handouts. She ran past students and teachers, and she didn't even have time to judge them.

 _Did she need to? She was about to be trampled by raging bulls and pecked apart by birds and they only looked on. They wouldn't help her. Wasn't that all she needed to know about them?_

Nanami was panting hard as she came to the stairwell. She scrambled upwards, two steps at a time, until she made it to the landing.

The bulls were climbing the stairs, and the birds were above them. Nanami turned to keep climbing, but when she looked up, she saw another herd of descending from the upper floor.

 _They had trapped her._

Nanami scrambled backwards. Pressing her back against the wall. There was nowhere to go, but…

There was a window next to her. Outside the sky was blue and the grass was green. She was two stories up.

 _I'm sorry,_ she thought. _But I'm not_ that _sorry._

She wasn't going to break her own legs, trying to keep everybody else from doing the same.

The birds were already pulling at her hair again, pecking at her face. Behind the flurry of feathers, she could see a bull pull to the front of the pack. _The leader._ It stomped it's feet and prepared to charge.

 _Nobody's coming for me,_ Nanami thought. _Somehow, I have to save myself._

She was both right and wrong.

"Nanami-san!" Miki cried. A dagger flew through the air.

"Nanami!" Juri commanded. A rapier swung over.

Miraculously, Nanami caught them both by the handles.

 _I have to save myself._

The bull charged for her.

Nanami swung the blades up into her hands. She shouldn't have known how to use them, but she did.

She met the bull halfway. Dove right through it.

It's cowbell clanged on the ground, just a second before it collapsed. Dead.

Nanami stumbled to her feet. "Ole!" she cried.

"Nanami-san, are you okay?" Miki asked as he made his way up the stairs to her, with Juri following shortly behind.

"Yes, of course," Nanami said. She swung the bloody rapier down and dropped it to the ground, along with the knife.

She looked around. The birds and the rest of the stampede had disappeared.

The aliens followed Juri and Miki up the stairs. They paused to look at Nanami, who Juri and Miki were checking her for injuries, before moving on to the bull.

One of the aliens picked up the cowbell.

They regarded it with curiosity, before fastening it around their neck.

"Moo!" the alien said, as a joke, and the rest of the aliens laughed.

They began talking amongst themselves, looking enviously at the alien with the cowbell. A couple hesitantly asked if they could try it on. Or just touch it.

Miki was telling her something, but Nanami waved him off.

"Wait a minute," she said to the aliens. "You… like the cowbells?"

The aliens hesitated a moment, before nodding enthusiastically.

"Better than the school uniforms?" Nanami asked.

The aliens nodded.

Nanami turned to Miki and Juri. Miki looked confused, but Juri's expression was measuredly stoic.

"Well~" Nanami huffed. "I suppose, if you all agree to wear cowbells instead, we can waive the uniform requirement for you…" Nanami said unsurely, as if this were a big sacrifice on her part. "Would that be acceptable to you all?"

The aliens all looked between themselves, hopefully. When it seemed everyone was in agreement, they cheered enthusiastically.

Nanami smirked. "We'll get right on that, then."

.

.

They ended up getting the cowbells from everywhere and nowhere. They sent for them in the mail. A surprising number of students raised livestock at home, and had extras lying around. Nanami even dug through her closet for her old Sebastian Dior cowbell.

They brought them all to school the next day, for the aliens.

Most aliens put on the cowbells right away, they were so pleased to have received them. Some of the aliens looked hesitant, or uncomfortable, but the rest of the aliens glared at them until they gave in and fastened the cowbells around their necks. Nanami caught sight of an alien picking out her Sebastian Dior cowbell from the pile, and it made her smile.

 _That alien_ , she thought, _had exceptional taste. A cut above the rest~_

It didn't matter though, because, by noon, all the aliens had turned into cows. And thus, Ohtori's invasion problems were solved.

Nanami even found it within her budget as Student Council President to hold a barbeque in celebration. All the students and faculty were invited (excepting Yuuko, Keiko, and Aiko) and a feast was held in the afternoon to celebrate their triumph against the alien forces.

Nanami sat at the head of the table. She was served a large T-bone steak, and a cut of filet minion slathered in mushroom sauce. She crossed her legs under the table and cut the meat daintily with her steak knife.

The meat was warm, bloody, and tender. It melted smoothly in her mouth. She dabbed at her lips with a napkin, and then wiped her hands. She was getting blood and steak sauce all over her perfect nails.

"Do you want your Sebastian Dior cowbell back?" somebody asked her, after the cow who had worn it had been slaughtered.

"No, thank you," Nanami said primly.

Because that was the thing.

Nanami understood wanting to stand out, wanting to be special. She knew what it was like to prop yourself up with image and accessory. There was a reason she kept her yellow riding suit around.

But in the end you had to play to the image that people wanted to see. You had to play to the image that wouldn't get you slaughtered. Because, in the end, you're as good as dead once they know you're a cow, finely dressed or no.

Nanami couldn't understand it. She couldn't understand the kind of psychological dilemma that would make the aliens choose being devoured over wearing the 'right' uniforms. There was nothing in Nanami's core essence that was so rigid or… _essential_ , that it couldn't be ignored or altered for the sake of appearance.

That's why Nanami is strong. It's why she's weak. And it's why she's still here.

People came up to her during the celebration and congratulated her on a job well done. Nanami accepted all their words graciously, but she didn't even remember who they all were.

Juri was the only one who stood out. Her hair fell in beautiful ringlets around her shoulder, and she was wearing a beautiful gown and a pair of designer leather boots.

Nanami envied the ease with which Juri selected the right image for herself, but Nanami supposed it was a skill of long practice. She had more to hide, even than Nanami.

"I admit, Miss President," Juri said, smiling lightly. "You really managed to sort everything out in a satisfactory manner."

Just standing next to Juri, Nanami felt the taste of her victory soured. There was no way Nanami could hold everyone's attention, not against Juri – elegant beauty, part-time model, regional fencing champion, etc.

"You must be growing into your role," Juri smiled at her.

Juri was holding a plate of steak tartare, and she spread the beef over a slice of crisped bread. She took a bite, and then offered the rest to the girl standing next to her.

Takatsuki Shiori accepted the bread and plopped it in her mouth. Nanami often saw them together, these days.

 _Ah. I've got it,_ Nanami thought.

She smiled, making sure to keep it innocent and friendly, and turned to Shiori.

"Ah, I didn't even see you there next to Juri," Nanami said. "You're… Takahashi Sayuri… right?"

Shiori bit her lip and whimpered. She sent a deathly glare at the two of them, before she turned on her foot and stalked off.

Juri stood there, holding the plate of steak tartare, and watched her go. Her gaze lingered too long and too intently.

Finally she turned back to Nanami.

"Nanami," she said, "I hope, for your own sake, that you don't get every bad thing that's rightfully coming to you."

Nanami let herself smile, a little more smugly this time.

"Don't worry, sempai. After all the things I've been through, I've practically got karma on store credit."

Juri only huffed in response. She handed the plate of steak tartare to Nanami, who accepted it graciously, before running off after Shiori.

Nanami watched her go. Juri was a professional. She didn't trip over her boots, or her long gown.

Nanami's gaze lingered too long and too intently. She was bizarrely sad to see Juri leave.

Nanami was at school longer than usual trying to sort out the clean up after the barbeque, but the days were getting longer, so the sun was still up in the early evening when she decided she could leave for home and let the worker bees handle the rest.

Tsuwabuki was waiting for her at the front gates to the school. When she approached, he stood up very straight and bowed to her at the waist.

"I sincerely apologise for running off yesterday morning, Nanami-san," he said, staring the ground. "I didn't mean to leave you on the way to school by yourself."

Nanami didn't respond. She watched him appraisingly, for a long time.

"Walk with me," she finally said. She stepped forward around him, and didn't look back to make sure he was following her.

But, instead of going home, she led him to the grassy hills on the southern end of campus. He followed her up beneath the old oak tree, where she finally stopped.

 _I have to save myself_ , Nanami thought.

She turned to Tsuwabuki and smiled vindictively. His cheeks flushed, but he didn't smile in return. He looked worried.

"I haven't eaten your Valentine's chocolate yet," Nanami said. "Tsu-wa-bu-ki," she teased. Mechanically so.

"Oh?" Tsuwabuki said. He looked disappointed.

"Why don't we eat it together?" Nanami said pulling the box out of her bag. She untied the ribbon and let it fall to the ground.

Tsuwabuki looked uncomfortable.

"Sit down," Nanami commanded.

She watched, pleased, as Tsuwabuki hastened to obey.

She smiled and pulled the lid off the box, revealing an assortment of pretty chocolate bonbons.

"So, how about this?" she asked. "I'll take a bite of chocolate, and then you can have the other half. Hmm?"

Tsuwabuki blushed. He looked cute, sitting with his legs splayed in the grass. Nanami felt endeared by him.

She thought he would rise to the bait, but he doesn't.

"I've already had an indirect kiss with one of the girls in my class, like that," he upped the ante, all while blushing a deep scarlet.

"Oh, did you?" Nanami said, feeling a little upset, but not really very surprised. She picked a bonbon and took a dainty bite. It was sweet, but also tart. The inside was cherry or raspberry, or some other fruit.

She swallowed and held up the other bite of the chocolate.

"I've changed my mind," she decided. "They're really my chocolates, so you shouldn't get any… Open your mouth."

"What?" Tsuwabuki wailed. "But you just said-"

"Open. Your. Mouth," Nanami interrupted.

Tsuwabuki looked at her unsurely. But then, slowly, he opened his mouth.

"Don't swallow it," Nanami commanded, lowering herself to her knees and holding the chocolate out between her thumb and index fingers. "Hold it between your teeth," she said.

She drew her finger over the lower incisors in Tsuwabuki's mouth and placed the chocolate down. He held it there, obediently.

And then Nanami closed her eyes and leaned down to capture his mouth. She could feel Tsuwabuki gasp, but she ignored it as she pressed her lips against his. She slid her tongue forward to grab the chocolate between his teeth, and pull it back to her own mouth, where she crushed it against her molars.

She could taste the chocolate more than she could taste the kiss with Tsuwabuki. But, more than both, she could recognise the taste of steak in her mouth.

In her mind's eye, it wasn't Tsuwabuki. She was kissing a pair of softer lips and harsher teeth. The object of her affections had long hair, pulled up in a bun, and dark skin, and a smile that wasn't all for her. Nanami couldn't remember the name, but she could remember the title.

For just a moment, she was kissing the Rose Bride.

But then that was gone, and all that was left was Tsuwabuki. He leaned forward into her lips and broke off sideways to kiss her cheek.

Nanami opened her eyes.

"You're not sweet, Nanami-san." Tsuwabuki smiled at her, and curled into her chest. "But I like you."

And Nanami smiled back. Because, compared to the Rose Bride, she's happier this way. She's happier with blue eyes and dimpled cheeks and an innocence that's transient, instead of eternal.


End file.
